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Grief Is a Bitch!

Grief is a bitch and chews up your heart.

Grief is an unforgiving bitch!  She sneaks up on me and slaps me with the reality of the loss of my daughter.  When I least expect it, she attacks with a suddenness that takes my breath away. 

Just when I think my life and emotions are leveling out, grief returns with a vengeance, ripping my heart out once again.

Time Is Supposed to Heal

“They say” that time heals.  It has been 2 ½ years, and I’m still waiting.  But how does one forget the mind-numbing pain of watching your adult child’s life fade away as you try to save her?  How do you remove that picture from your mind?

Some days, I can talk about Elisa, remember experiences and moments in her life and laugh or smile.  Other days, the sharp pains of reliving her life ebbing away in front of me overtake everything else, and I can hardly catch my breath.

Elisa was 45, not a child, but so very loved.  How does one accept such a harsh ending to a beautiful life?  She choked on a piece of shrimp as we dined in her favorite restaurant.  Four of us tried to save her, one of those a nurse.  Had the paramedics arrived promptly, perhaps she would have lived.  But they didn’t.  I was told they got lost, an unforgiveable offense in this case.

Was It All Part of God’s Plan?

But there is more to this story – facts that I have shoved aside for 2 ½ years.  Because of my Christian beliefs – and Elisa’s, I have to consider these incidents that occurred before the end as God having had a hand in it.

Elisa was diabetic and had never suffered from low glucose.  One evening, maybe 3 weeks before the incident that took her from us, the three of us dined out.  Drinks arrived; she sipped her Diet Coke and began speaking rapidly and making very little sense.  I asked if she checked her glucose before we left home and she didn’t think so.  Our server brought orange juice and Elisa quickly drank the entire glass, along with my regular Coke.  Neither helped to raise her sugar, and we rushed to get her to the car and home.  Her glucose barely registered when we tested her, We quickly pumped her full of sugar, and she slowly came back to life.

Another Emergency

The following week, my husband took her to her doctor.  As they talked, Elisa again began speaking rapidly and making no sense.  Jim asked the doctor to check her glucose, and it was extremely low.  A soda, a candy bar, and finally some glucose pills to raise sugar later, and she began to return to normal.  I’m not sure who was the most frightened by this episode, her doctor or her Dad. As soon as they left the office, they stopped to buy her a burger and by the time they reached home, she was perfectly normal again.

There was no rhyme or reason for either of those low-sugar incidents; they were out of the norm and both were life-threatening.  Elisa had never suffered problems with low sugar and had been on the same dosage of insulin for years.

A week or so later, nothing could save her life.  Is it possible that God had decided it was time for her to leave her earthly life?  Was her death inevitable?  If so, that might make Elisa’s death easier to accept, but it won’t take away the pain of loss. 

Grief Is a Bitch and A Process

Grieving a loss is a process and takes time. A long time! Anyone grieving should be given all the time they need. Grief is still a bitch. It hurts until you think you can’t recover. And then the pain eases for a bit, only to come back for another round. Get rid of your expectations and accept however long it takes. I am still waiting.

2 thoughts on “Grief Is a Bitch!”

  1. patricia frischkorn

    i lost my only son 20 years ago he was handicap he died at 22 he was the happyest boy when he died I’m i thought he could get some peace now no more pain no needles no docs anymore i still miss him , then my ojdest daughter gina 36 just died accitdentel over dose new yeass eve 2021 we were close everyone loved her she loved all to beautiful its kiilling me she had a 15 year old daughter i dont no what to do it hurts so much cry every day i have 130 year od girl lett

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